November 2008.
Met Neil today. Instead of showing me how to edge the lawns he asked me about Scott. He asked if I’d like to know what he believes it’s all about. He said to ask him to stop at any time. I’m open to anything at the moment and I’m interested in anyone who has a belief system that isn’t preaching from an organised doctrine. He said nothing is an accident and Scott left his body at the right time. He believes that we are all part of a higher being that is unconditional love and that we chose to take on bodies on this earth as part of a learning and enlightenment process. Each life that we partake in is taking us closer to being whole. He describes Scott as having achieved what he had set out to during this period and that Scott and I had entered into a contract together. Our souls had previously dictated that we had chosen each other to experience this process and that perhaps the reason that I always worried about him going out the door and not coming back, was because on some level – I knew.
He said that Scott had given me an opportunity to grow and learn about myself, as what happened will have such an impact on the way that I think, and the trajectory of my life. He said that he could promise me that Scott was fine. More than fine actually. And that he was very present when needed. Time does not exist there in the same way as it does here, in this world. He said that karma exists and that people take on different bodies to develop and learn, and if necessary atone for what they have done previously. Everyone on earth at present is at different stages. But your soul chooses which body to take on, depending on what they need to learn or experience. He sunk his neat little spade into the brown earth at this point and repeated that if I didn’t feel comfortable with anything he was saying to just let it go. We looked at each other in the pouring rain. His eyes held clarity, still and direct. I felt I might just disintegrate at any point. I clung to the plastic handle of my spade.
He seemed so certain of his convictions, and said that it would resonate deep within me if I was ready and wanted to believe it. He said that I’d manifested the situation I was presently in, stood before him because I wanted the answers to questions I had been asking. He said that I now had experience that could help others in some way if I wish.
It’s all about the love.
I’m sure I haven’t encapsulated what Neil said very well. And after listening to him in that garden, teetering on the edge of grass and mud, whilst my rational mind was thinking this person is bonkers, my body undeniably felt more relaxed than it had in the last eight months. It draws a lot of parallels with what my cousin Emma spoke about just after the funeral. But in a lot more depth.
Neil is the most unlikely looking hippy I have ever met. But he seems so happy and content. Something tells me from listening to some of the conversations on site over the last few days that this is not a topic he openly discusses. I spoke to him about my thoughts of suicide and he said that it wasn’t an action to be judged negatively but there are experiences that will be gained in this life that I would only have to go through again and possibly not with the love I have received from Scott. I asked him whether these soul contracts involve all family and friends. He said that it does.
He said I had huge potential. And that Scott had given me a massive opportunity to learn about myself. It answers the question of the meaning of life. Why are we here? Just using the planet and different bodies to experience the whole range of feelings and emotions that are needed to become a soul that unconditionally loves. I feel a little bit wild even committing this to paper. I’d feel more than a bit anxious to try and explain this point of view to someone else.
I’ve spent the last three days working with a tree surgeon named Wesley. It’s not what I’d planned or intended but it feels good to understand what Scott did better. I think it was my first test to see whether I could work on the estate with the landscaping team, or not. They have been sensitive around the subject and it hasn’t been difficult. I told Wesley what had happened to Scott on my first day when he asked whether I had ever worked around chainsaws before. And he was shocked, but sympathetic. He took me aside today and told me my story had made him cry.
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Six weeks later I was deep in the Himalaya. Surrounded by the red and yellow folds of Tibetan monks...